to be young

old lj

2008-04-07T09:30:09Z

today's been pretty weird
i wish me and zoe were friends
this is the longest we've ever gone without talking or being together
i think the last time we saw each other was octob
crazzzzzzzzz
frick
i just know if we could hang out she'd remember why we were ever friends
(for ten years)
damn dude
thats just way too long to give it up for no good reason
i really do miss her

hey. it's me.

2007-12-08T17:08:08Z

justmaintainin

lets kick it.
LJ style
comment that bad boy.

Jared vs. Chelsea

2007-06-06T08:01:14Z

hoewiththaweave: Ijust got an image of you doing me with a strap on
hoewiththaweave: OMG
hoewiththaweave: so
hoewiththaweave: today in school
Ipecac Pancakes: thats a pretty hot image
hoewiththaweave: I wanted to see how many people I could walk up to and ask to spank me before someone said "umm, no thanks"
hoewiththaweave: and I got to 46
Ipecac Pancakes: 1. that's so mlc
2. holy crap
3. i bet your ass hurt
4. i bet you liked it
hoewiththaweave: lmoa
hoewiththaweave: 1. YES
hoewiththaweave: 2. I KNOW!
hoewiththaweave: 3. It did..
hoewiththaweave: 4. yeah, a little..

I love this kid. Top three guy friends, right there.
1. Noah
2. Ethan
3. Jared

comment to be added

2007-05-29T07:32:04Z

waiting on the world to change

2007-05-29T01:17:12Z

I miss this place.
Lets take a trip, guys.

standing in the way of control

2007-05-28T00:52:10Z

I'm pretty fucking lonely
after my breakdown on thursday it's all I can think about
I'm trying to give up this crush
it's a waste of energy

packing is going slowly

it's unseasonably cold

I want to go out.

get it shorty

2007-05-27T07:13:04Z

hey now, I'm an all star

haha!

So tonight I took a chance and played poker with billy and his friends. I didn't even have the money to buy in, so I borrowed it. They rented a ufc fight on PPV and we settled in to play. Pretty soon Chris Nukala showed up (<3 I missed him SO much!) and we all were having a good time. BAM I take my mom out. Then goes Billy. I'm pretty much high stacked. The night continues and it comes down to me, Jessy and LJ. I was short stacked major but LJ went all in and lost. I agreed to quit then (because we'd been playing for like.. four hours) and take second place. So I won 25 dollars. I gave Billy back the 15 he lent me to play, and the moral of the story is I am damn good at poker and I have ten dollars.

This story is so much richer if you've ever been over to my house. My mom plays online poker every moment of the day. And those guys all play at least once a week.

And Jessy gave me a hug.

Today was a good day.

the light, the heat

2007-05-26T21:12:53Z

orientation was okay
I filled out 8,000 pounds of paperwork
and I think I did my W4 wrong. uhhh...
ANYWAY
The whole thing took about an hour and I got my uniform
vomit
go into a burger king and you'll understand my dismay
I have to wear a VISOR
anyway
I work thursday, friday and saturday. but the saturday shift is only until 3pm so i can go out and have fun (by fun i mean packing and moving) afterwards.

I wasn't asked to clock in or fill out a time sheet so I'm pretty sure I didn't get paid for it. Oh well.

Today--I pack.

so i said goodnight

2007-05-26T06:06:22Z

basically.

finding out that true love is blind

2007-05-26T01:15:38Z

i got a job!
at fucking burger king, but it's a job!
i am so happy
tomorrow i have orientation
now i'm glad i didn't go anywhere tonight

eeee im so happy

standing in the way of control

2007-05-24T06:46:50Z

lost was amazing.
and i totally predicted Jordin would win American Idol.
STFU. yes i did.

oh so i'm failing econ.
fuck THAT

kitty cuddles. goodnight.

texas chainsaw massacre, they took my baby away from me

2007-05-23T05:09:04Z

raaaaaaaah
hahaha
some people are just dumb bitches

Today I went to Grant and talked to Mr. Lane. He said theres a good chance I'll be able to direct a one act. Oh I hope so *crosses fingers*.
Then I hung out with Alley and Kaitlyn.
The three of us went to the mall, and I grabbed some applications. After they left I got a bunch more and get this--I got an INTERVIEW!! Okay, so it's a Burger King but what the hell, I need a fucking job. I sort of got an interview at BJ's too. But I'm not sure : /
Then I went home, and mom informed me we got a house!
It's on 60th and Killingsworth, and the 72 stop is literally right outside my front door. We drove past the house. It's nice. The bedrooms are small but we'll figure it out. Pat might be moving in with us so that'll be cool.
We got McDicks and my brother invited a ton of his friends over. Theres like eight guys downstairs playing poker. Including Jessy and LJ. Ooh la la. (now if only it were strip poker)

baconlettuce @ 2007-05-21T20:54:00

2007-05-22T03:55:37Z

This is the reason I wake up every morning

we're never gonna win the war

2007-05-22T02:29:24Z

commentary while billy beats the crap out of the cat...
"i need a jack johnson song or something..."

hahahahahhaahahaah

la la la la

2007-05-22T00:16:03Z

today was good.
my entire body is sore for no reason.
I'm hungry.

run away to some distant island

2007-05-21T04:50:14Z

you stop me dead in my tracks.

don't let me out of your sight

2007-05-21T00:11:28Z

last night was very interesting.
I got smashed with a bunch of Mary-Jane's friends. I'd met a couple of them but I really wasn't familiar with them until last night. We went park hopping, and Emma encouraged me to drink. So I drank.
At park number three (Edwards) I felt really fucked up. Like lonely and mopey and left out. I hate being like that, so I forced myself to hang out. There were many good discussions, but it felt like "relationships" were the theme of the evening. (I like you, he likes her, I used to like him, tra la la). One boy there was especially cute and I was not above fooling around with him. So I put it in place. His sister encouraged me but Mary-Jane advised against it. I talked to him anyway. He seemed to flirt back. But of course, we got to talking about relationships. Which made me lonely as hell for Ethan so I retreated into the dark to make a phone call.
riiiiiiiing
"Hello?"
"Heyy"
"How's it going"
"Great"
"Cool"
"I didn't wake you?"
"No."
"Okay. Well Goodnight"
"Wait, why did you call?"
"I was just wondering something.."
"Yeah? What?"
"You could never see me, like... that way, right?"
"Wait what?"
"As a girl. You don't see me as a girl, right?"
"Thats kind of a weird question."
"I mean--you'd never date me right?"
"Right. I mean No I wouldn't"
"Good. kay bye!"

and of course another phone call followed that. but I feel so sick to my stomach over it I wont bother relaying it.
So we went back to Ian (the cute boy)'s house and I crashed out almost immediately. I woke up at seven feeling achey and still drunk as hell. I peed and tried to sleep it off. Ian woke us up at 10:30 and we went to breakfast. It was delicious and fun. They seemed to like me. I'm glad.
The second I got home my phone rang. It was ethan. we talked for like twenty minutes but he never mentioned me calling him last night. that kind of weirds me out. maybe he knew i was drunk. anyway he wants to hang out sometime and i cant help but wanting to see him.
i went upstairs and passed out part two. it was great.

last night, i had a dream about you

2007-05-19T23:56:29Z

Erin pounded her fists against the door and screamed until her throat was raw. She whipped her body against the slightly padded walls, wailing for help. The room was L shaped and shades of gray. Its image burned clearly into her mind. She pressed the four panic buttons but there was no response. She cried and threw herself on the bile colored mattress. She sobbed into the balled up blanket at the head of the bed until she was asleep.

That night Erin had no dreams.

A sharp pinch in her arm was her wake up call. A black woman with a machine was drawing her blood. The woman had a kind face, which Erin spit at. The woman held her down and told her to be still. Erin recognized the power of this unnamed authority and settled back into crying.

That day was like the previous night. Erin screamed for help. She wanted her mother, her friends, anyone. There was no response. She sat in front of the door, her eyes level with a window. She watched other people walk by and tried to get them to listen to her. A man with glasses and red Converse sneakers asked her if she wanted to talk. She nodded vigorously and pounded on the door. He advised her to try another way. Erin was lost.

She doesn’t remember how she got out of that room, or the cause of the bruises. She doesn’t know how she even got in. She forgot the week or so before, too. She felt the way a newborn must feel coming into the world. Everything was strange and familiar, all at once.

The staff gave her a new room, clean blankets and blue hospital scrubs to wear. They informed her the oatmeal colored socks must be worn at all times. They asked her to swallow pills and follow the schedule. She asked for her bear, still a child trapped in the body of a sixteen year old.

The next week was a blur, the boring drift of dry meatloaf and meetings with doctors. The staff, the hospital, it seemed like a movie. Everyone was like a caricature of the real thing. She wondered if she looked like a cartoon crazy person.

Erin’s family brought her new clothes, a potted plant and a card that sang. She smiled and thanked them. “Do you think you’re getting better?” her worried mother rang her hands.

“Yeah. I feel more like myself everyday.” Erin responded. She really wanted everyone to be happy. More than anything she wanted to go home.

It was her paranoia that had brought her there, she was sure people were following her. The more time she spent in the hospital the more sure she was they were testing her. It was another paranoid delusion. She became fixated on the notion that all of the other patients were actors, portraying real people in her life. She told this to nobody, scared that she would fail the “test.”

One patient, a short girl with a CareBears hoodie had the same haircut her best friend had in eighth grade. Another boy played guitar and had dirty blonde hair like Erin’s brother Robbie. Even the staff resembled teachers she once had.

The next day a new patient was admitted. He had tattoos and scars. His hair was buzzed and he wore the same blue hospital scrubs Erin had. He sat by her during the school portion of the day and she was pleasant with him, as she was with all of the other patients, but there was something different about him. He called himself Chris.

She excused herself early and asked if she could make a phone call. The staff denied her request and she got angry. Chris wasn’t Chris at all. It was the boy she had fallen for when he was on vacation three years earlier. She knew it was Alex and she wouldn’t stand for it. She screamed at the staff and demanded to use the phone. She picked it up and the line was dead. They were toy phones. Erin raged and slammed the phone down. She screamed and cried. They connected the line to her mother.

“Alex is here.” She wailed into the phone.

“Sweetie no he isn’t, he can’t be.” Her calm voice replied.

“HE IS.” And Erin hung up. She ran into her room and wouldn’t come back out. The next day there was more medication in her morning dose.

She learned quickly to bite her tongue. She said nothing to the other patients and the doctor. During snack she whispered “I’m sorry” to Chris. He looked at her strangely and told her it was okay. It wasn’t okay.

The highlight of her stay was a letter. Prior to coming to the hospital Erin had cut off all contact with her best friend. A stupid disagreement had led to a fight and Erin wouldn’t let up. The two hadn’t spoken in weeks. So when she received the letter, she was surprised. It said that she missed her, and loved her, and that the two would always be friends. Erin cried and wrote a letter back. She never sent it.

On thanksgiving her mom brought her taco bell. Erin laughed to herself. She knew this was a thanksgiving that would go down in history. Her favorite staff brought her a piece of pumpkin pie with cool whip. It was a distorted kind of perfect.

Erin understood the system. She saw patients leaving and copied their behavior. The formula seemed to be: talk to the staff, show up for all activities, participate in group, play games with the other patients. Pretty soon Erin was popular with everyone and they set up a final family meeting, the one she knew was coming.

She looked at her watch every 45 seconds. She packed all her things and watered her plant. She went to group and said her goodbyes. There wasn’t much time left.

They had the first part of the meeting without her. She wondered what was being said. When they finally called her in she was sweating. They had smiles on their faces.

She never became herself again. She still gets paranoid. The memories are burned sharp in her mind. She repeats to herself “one pink one in the morning, two pink and one blue at night”. When someone asks her what her greatest fear is, her answer is always the same.

“Emanual Adolescent Psych Ward.”

lighting your path

2007-05-19T22:12:23Z

vom.it.
why does his 'online now' sign blinking make me swoon?

i am such a goddamn teenager.

i know i that am young but i don't want to be alone

2007-05-19T06:32:49Z

oh god this hurts so bad
he must know

i'll try and keep it to myself
i figure i should spend as much time with him
and enjoy his company
and pretend maybe we have something
before i ruin it with my confession
after that
he can go away forever
i don't want him to
but i wont stop him

being a teenager is the world series of baseball season
its the part you look forward to
you make bets on how it's going to be
and you remember it fondly when it's gone

I will dream of you

2007-05-19T06:13:55Z

I just saw a terrific movie. An old Woody Allen film called Annie Hall. I can't believe I'd never seen it before. I watched Rumble Fish too. Oooh Matt Dillon you make me nauseous in a good way.
Today was splendid. We had a substitute in Da'Love's class so that was cool. We were on www.sloganizer.net all period.
Then in Susie's class I took notes on Abbie Hoffman and was informed I don't have to come to school on Monday or Tuesday because I've passed the stupid tests. woohoo!
uhh lunch was delicious. I sat with Hazel and Phil, and I'm glad I did. I'm always alienated when I sit with Pat and Jesse and them. Even if Hazel is kind of blonde and Phil is kind of a douche.
I made a resume during group. Yay.
Econ was the test. I pretty much failed. Fuck it.
Apres l'ecole I went to Mary-Jane's and we sat around for a bit. We went to proper eats and then went back to her house, but not before running into Johnny. I love him. At MJ's I had a delicious candy bar (or 1/4 a candy bar) and a bag of chips. I don't know why that's important. We went on a bike ride and then I got on the bus.
I got home to the smell of brownies baking. I made a scrambled egg sandwich and watched TV.
Now I'm going to bed and I fully plan on sleeping until noon.

I thought that you were meant for me

2007-05-18T04:45:40Z

I really miss that summer

I want you here with me

2007-05-16T19:28:33Z

I miss him. I was going to join his family in visiting him but they never called me so fuck it.

Today was alright. I prefer the temperature
school wasn't all that good
but we didn't have to take the test in econ so i'm glad
it was a half day and hazel gave me a ride home

now i'm waiting for MJ to get out of school so she can come over
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaiting.

i think i'll eat my salad and watch a little telivizzle.

indian highway

2007-05-16T01:21:35Z

today was so good
woke up in billys room
(I had a nightmare so I crept in there about one. I feel safe when I'm in someone else's room)
it was sunny
we had no hot water so I had to sit around for a while
I ate some frosted flakes then tried the shower again
it was a success
Got on the bus and got to school
figured it would be another day where I hate my life
but we went to Lake O and worked on a farm
we dug trenches with some semi cool ninth graders
I talked music with one girl
then we had a surprisingly delicious bag lunch
Phil and I hung out
We went on a tour and left
it was so good
I bumped into Hazel on the way out of school and she gave me a ride home
(she knows Nate and Nick, Mary-Jane. small world)
I finished my laundry. Oh my god I've never had so much laundry

note to self - don't put off laundry for five weeks ever again

we're having chili dogs for dinner
this transition back into vegitarianism is not working out
when I move out I'll do it.

fallin all over myself

2007-05-14T08:50:13Z

Anthonie climbed out her window and perched on the roof like she had done a thousand times before. She pulled her sweatshirt tight around her as the soft spring breeze kicked up. She smiled and shook her head, not believing the night she'd had.
Eric packed up his brown duffel bag, forcing his freshly laundered sleeping bag inside. He sat down on his bed, turning over a small coin in his hand, feeling the metal warm up. Coldplay's "Yellow" played softly in the backround. He recalled the evening as he laid down to go to sleep, playing the events over and over in his head.
Anthonie pulled her knees up to her chin, resting her head on them. she was tired but couldn't sleep. too much had happened.

The two had met up after not seeing each other for a while. Anthonie knocked on the door to Erics house, and when he answered they smiled a familiar smile. She opened the door and hugged him tightly. His muscular body eased in her arms. The pair went to Erics room where Anthonie grabbed the recliner and Eric sat in his desk chair.
"Sorry my room's such a mess. I came home and just unloaded." Eric moved some laundry into a basket.
"You've seen mine. No big deal.. So tell me about you! How the hell have you been?" They talked for a while about their love lives, school, the upcoming summer and everything else the could think of. Anthonie laughed everything Eric did and she rememberd why they were friends. Part way through Erics explanation of his most recent mushroom trip Anthonie realized she wanted to listen to him talk forever. She couldn't remember a time she'd enjoyed a conversation with someone. She felt like she'd just woken up from a dreamless sleep to a sunny day.
"Fuck it. I should just drop out of school and marry a nice jewish boy like you." She commented after hearing him talk about the girl he was into.
He smiled and got up, fumbling with a football.
"Yeah. You should."

Eric offered to walk Anthonie home and she accepted. She walked her big blue shwinn down the street and he watched her. He remembered being at camp and needing a friend. Why was it Anthonie that always came to mind?

"Come in. We'll smoke a bowl with Will." Anthonie bribed her friend. He came inside, taking off his shoes. "Hi mom. Eric's here." He waved and the two ran up the stairs.
"Dont run!" they heard from bellow and laughed.

After they'd smoked some chron they watched bad tv. Eric stretched out on the couch and Anthonie got hives. She knew this was bad. Only one thing had ever caused hives and that was sexual tension. She couldn't explain why but it was happening.She ignored it and turned the volume up. After a while he started breathing heavily and instead of being a annoyed, Anthonie smiled and sighed. She felt so comfortable and yet there were butterflies in her stomachhe. She longed to stretch out next to Eric but she never could. "I think I need to go." He instinctively sat up.
"You definitly do."

At the door Anthonie promised to write Eric letters. He hugged her close to him and left a space for a kiss. Neither of them had the courage so he left. She stared at the door he closed behind him and took a deep breath. She watched him walk down the street, knowing it was the last time they would ever see each other.